new places

i called my great aunt today, since i can NEVER get ahold of her daughter to tell her my issues. she has to be one of the only people in this world that ACTUALLY answers the phone when you call her the first time. well- she answered for me anyway. i told her that i wanna take a trip to mexico and see where i was born for my birthday since it IS my FORTIETH BIRTHDAY. then i told her how amy says i can't go because it costs too much. my grandma's sister asked me, "how much does it cost?" then i said, "well.. amy CLAIMED she asked the travel pca that i usually take and she says $40,000. but then my friend and i looked ourselves and it costs $800 or $900 round trip." then she said to me, "your dad's dead though." then i said, "yeah i know but i wanted to see where i was born and it IS my fortieth birthday." then she said, "oh.. yeah. you could see some of the carmona family there too!" and i said, "yeah.. i have a few of them my friends on facebook but most of them can't understand me." although i forgot to tell her that i've shared a few brief conversations with a few of them on facebook- using what i've learned in spanish class to help me understand.
i had ics today and it was after i checked my mail, so i couldn't get started on the second apartment i've got applications to specifically in massachusetts (other than the housing company automatically applying me to a few others). zen said it's located a little further away from boston than the last one but i said it'd probably just help me get my "foot in the door" so to speak as a massachusetts resident. so, zen needs to assist me in filling out this application on monday when we meet. housing in massachusetts seems to be easier and more available compared to new york.. so HOPEFULLY i get an apartment there sooner.
i was just thinking about how my grandma always used to tell me how my dad used to hit my mom and that's why he got chased to mexico by my grandpa. she did say that my dad never hurt me though because he "loved me to death". i was thinking about that and i read something in one of the books i read and online about how kids usually see which parent was the ACTUAL problem in marriages that end up in divorce and separating custody. so needless to say- i grew up with this idea that my dad wasn't a very nice person until life actually happened to me. so i started to question what was told to me, i tried to look at how my dad felt and i could understand him getting so frustrated with my mom because i often get frustrated with her myself. although, i've never actually hit her (unlike my sister when i was younger- like father, like daughter.. seeing as my sister had a DIFFERENT father than my brother and i but he still beat my mom). i'm thinking that my mom probably played victim (as she always does) and my grandpa got pissed off and chased him to mexico when he accidentally kicked me because MY MOM used me as a SHIELD while she was about to get kicked by my dad and she intentionally held ME up in front of my dad to make it seem like he should calm down because i was there and he ended up kicking ME instead of the true idiotic, selfish target. it took me nearly 40 years to realize that and also a few dreams reminiscing the situation. i KNOW that my dad was killed in mexico during a drug trading accident with the cartels. i have a right to see where i was born and my OTHER side of the family though. i also haven't got to really use my passport. even though i DO have DUAL CITIZENSHIP- i just wanna be sure i can actually return to this country after my trip because grump's fat ass would probably try to keep me there by saying i was an illegal alien or wtf even if i DO have a certificate of naturalization.